A Little History

So I guess I should tell you a little bit about me, give you a brief history of The Fear according to Elski. (Please note, I don't * any words out. Words to do with v* are not censored. This is a teeny tiny pigeon step towards normality - I have to embrace this recovery fully and give it my best shot. Oh, and there may be the odd swear word here and there!)

I don't know 'why', as I can't recall anything particularly traumatic about throwing up when I was a child - I didn't choke; it didn't happen in public in front of a big crowd; I wasn't chastised by angry parents; I wasn't hospitalised with a horrific illness - but I can recall every single detail about each episode of vomiting... what I was wearing; the pattern on the bowl I threw up in; what I'd had to eat previously; what was said to me before/during/after. All very bizarre considering that at the time, I merely got on with being ill, I didn't cry, throw hysterics or freak out.

All the same, back in those very early days, an obsession was born. Following an episode of illness at around age 9 (a stomach bug involving 3 episodes of vomiting) I'd ask my folks over and over again, every night "Will I be sick?" "But will I?" "Are you sure?" "Positive?". This went on for years, my poor folks! I suppose the older I got, the more I just internalised it as I knew how ridiculous I sounded and I eventually stopped asking. But I didn't stop worrying. Which is when the OCD manifested itself... Ohhhhh OCD, you tedious bastard! If I didn't laugh at my little odd behaviours, I'd cry. To the naked eye of the average person, I'm normal. Young(ish), popular (even if I do say so myself), (moderately) intelligent. But scratch below the surface and there's a whole world of misery and ridiculousness!

So this, my friends, is how I became an obsessive four-times-touching-lest-I-jinx-myself, finger-crossing, hand-washing emetofreak! But enough already, you'll doubtless become more than familiar with my quirks throughout this blog so no need to bore you with the specifics now.

Anyway - why tackle my phobia now? Especially after years of it becoming deeply ingrained. Well, I had a baby 16 weeks ago and my phobia has gone into complete overdrive! So the time has come to do something about this craziness. I have an assessment with the Mental Health Team on wednesday... wish me luck!!