Snow!

Grrrrr. Snow. Go away. Only seven inches or so has fallen here on the outskirts of London, but in the UK that means life STOPS. We just aren't equipped for it and it's beyond annoying.

I lived in Canada for a while, in a tiny town up in the Rockies which saw, on average, 30ft of snow each winter. You've literally never seen so much snow in your life. And guess what... NOTHING STOPS. Everyone still goes to work, shops still open, trains still run, people still drive properly, it's business as usual and life goes on. Even so much of a flake of snow hits a railway line here and there's delays and cancellations galore. International airports have closed. There's hardly anyone out on the streets. I walked my daughter in her buggy to the shop earlier (which took forever, I might add) and on my way back I passed the same poor little school girl at the bus stop waiting for a bus, who had been there since I walked past half an hour earlier. The bus she was waiting for is meant to run every 10 minutes.

The point of my rant is that I couldn't get to my therapy appointment yesterday. Well I could, but it would have taken military-precision organisation and I'm pretty sure my cortisol levels would have been too dangerous by the time I'd even got half way there. I spoke to my therapist in the morning - who was panicking herself as she lives down by the South Coast and was worried she wouldn't be able to get home due to the snow - and we decided that we'd resume as normal next week. I'm a little disappointed but if I'd have gone down there, I'd have been too stressed out by the journey to really focus properly.

I hope you're all enjoying the snow! I love it when it doesn't stop me doing what I need to be doing! When I lived in Canada, it never stopped me doing anything I needed to do.... hmmm, maybe I need to move back over there :)

The First CBT Session

I had my first appointment a couple of days back. It was more of a getting-to-know-you session and we didn't really do any therapy as such. It was more about her trying to establish what's going on with me and how we can move forward. We spoke in-depth about my phobia and how it affects me but a number of issues came up. Mainly, this is Cognitive Behavioural Therapy and she had a hard time actually finding any behaviour that I do related to this, that could actually be worked on.

Most emets have avoidance or safety behaviours that they believe keep them safe from vomiting. I have very few.

Firstly, I'll actively avoid anyone who has a stomach bug, but surely that's just a normal safety measure. This is why emetophobia can be such a difficult phobia to treat because exposure in a lot of cases , would be unethical. We can't work on this particular avoidance behaviour because I'm not going to put myself at risk of catching a bug and to be honest, I think if anyone was asked to expose themselves to someone with a stomach bug with the risk that they'd catch it, they'd be pretty unhappy about it.

Secondly, I usually eat vegetarian when I'm out to lower the risk of food poisoning. Again, this behaviour is difficult to work with because I could eat a shop-bought chicken sandwich today and not get sick, I could eat one tomorrow and not get sick, I could eat one every day for the next 30 days and be fine. But the one I eat on the 31st day could be the one. I've tried it before and it doesn't lower my anxiety.

Thirdly, I avoid places if there is a stomach bug going around. I take my daughter to a couple of little playgroups. If I heard that a lot of the kids were going down with a bug, I'd avoid it for a week or so. Again, I feel this is normal behaviour - who's gonna expose their kid to a bug when it can be avoided? Or do I just think that because I'm an emet?

So I think the therapist had a hard time trying to work out how we'd move forward. She's a trainee psychologist so obviously only has limited experience and she pointed out that she may not be the best person to work with me going forward and was going to discuss this with her supervisor.

I must admit I feel a little deflated as I came away feeling like this is it and this is the way things are going to be for the rest of my life but I can't let myself think like that or I may as well just resign myself to a lifetime of misery, obsessing about when it's going to happen. I emailed her some advice written for therapists on how to work with emetophobia so perhaps this will give her some ideas.

Next appointment is Tuesday, so I'll be back to update!

The Golden Ticket!

There have been a number of false-alarms in my blogs so far. Excited postings following phonecalls I have received from the local Psychological Therapies team which have left me assuming my therapy is about to commence, only for it to end up being merely tedious assessment after assessment. Edinburgh Depression Scale, anyone? I feel like I've pioneered this particular bloody assessment tool myself, after having to fill it in so many times!

Well yesterday morning my Golden Ticket arrived in the post! It really did!

Dear Ms V. Scared-of-Vomiting,

As you are aware you are currently on the waiting list for Individual Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT). A therapy slot has now become available, the details are as follows: etc etc.

At this slot we will be able to review your current needs for therapy, and ongoing treatment will commence if it is still required.

Lots of love,
The Local Crazy-People-Fixers

How AWESOME is that?!! My appointment is a week on Tuesday. It couldn't have come at a better time as obviously we have now entered high-alert season. In fact only two days ago I bumped into one of the workers at the play-centre I take my daughter to and she said something on the lines of "everyone's been vomiting lately". Then yesterday I get a text from a friend who lives a few doors away to say her husband had been "puking his guts up all day". I almost died on the spot.

I am slightly skeptical about CBT and how much it can really help me, as I like to think I know my phobia inside-out, BUT I have to enter into this positively and with an open-mind, right? At the end of the day, any reduction in anxiety - no matter how small - is going to be an improvement.

I'm putting the Anxiety & Phobia Workbook on hold until I have my first appointment to see whether they suggest reading it alongside my therapy or just concentrating on my therapy alone at first. Full and detailed report to follow after my appointment. Wish me luck!

It's complicated!

Over the years I've managed to 'narrow my phobia down' and pinpoint what it is I'm scared of. I've got a little hierarchy and it goes something like this:

- At the bottom end with the least amount of anxiety attached to it, is 'Drunk Vomiting'. Although it's not something I've done (been close many a time though!) and it's not something I'd like to do, it doesn't terrify me. Sure, I'd freak a little bit if I thought it were about to happen but I reckon I'd be ok with it.

- Just above 'Drunk Vomiting' is 'Pregnancy Vomiting'. Again, I didn't vomit during pregnancy. I did have terrible nausea though and it was 24/7 and pretty awful. Luckily for me at the time, I was living in Canada, where a wonder-drug called Diclectin is licenced (unlike here in the UK) and that really took the edge off for me. If I threw up from this nausea though, it would have been scary but not terrifying and I think I would have been alright with it.

- Getting towards the top of the scale now we have 'Food Poisoning Vomiting'. This TERRIFIES me. This has prevented me eating certain foods my whole life; eating what I want in restaurants; only eating certain things at other peoples houses. I think it's the sheer thought of vomiting over and over again along with how horrendously ill you feel with it.

- Right here at the top of the scale is 'Noro'. This is what I'm most frightened of, pretty much for the same reasons as food poisoning, symptom-wise, but also because of it's rapid-onset without warning; the fact it's so contagious; the fact it's so common etc.

Now I'm back at work, I have more time to read (hurrah for 20 minute tram journeys!) so I got a book today - that well-known classic "The Anxiety & Phobia Workbook". I've heard mostly good things about it. You'll be the first to know how I get on with it

It's that time of year again...

... that time of year us emets dread - Winter Vomiting Virus season. Now, I've not posted in a while as returning to work and looking after my little bubba seem to take up every moment of my time, then some! In my last update, I was off to a psychology assessment. Well it turned out to be complete rubbish, it was just another barrage of monotonous questions. The waiting list is still 1 year, but it's been 6 months now, so I'm half way there!

Anyways, so I LOVE my job (I'm a midwife) but days like today are the down-side. Two women on the ward, admitted antenatally with diarrhea and vomiting. I wasn't looking after them and they were in side-rooms with private toilet/bathrooms but I'm still horrendously paranoid. Obviously other midwives and doctors have been in and out of their rooms all day, touching things that they have touched, then coming back out and touching things I will be touching. I drive myself mad with it, honestly! I'm working tomorrow as well so today/tomorrow/friday, I'll be on high-alert and looking out for symptoms and no doubt reading into every little twinge I get.

It's the beginning of a longgggg few months, guys, winter vomiting virus season is here.

Winter, Schminter!... and a Psychology Assessment

The 'Winter Vomiting Virus' seems to have struck down some people I know. For some reason I have got THE RAGE about this because IT'S NOT WINTER YET! How unfair! Sod off, Noro, take your sorry ass back to wherever you're supposed to be living during summer and don't come back for another couple of months. Actually, if I ask you nicely, will you just not come back at all?

My phobia is always at it's worst during the winter months but it's started extra-early this year now. MEH!

On a positive note though - despite being told I'd be on the waiting list for therapy for at least a year (a mere 5 months ago) - I have my first appointment with a CBT therapist tomorrow. WOOOOOOT! I'm very excited! We'll spend 90 minutes going through my emetophobia history and formulating a plan of action for the CBT sessions. I'll be on here tomorrow evening to report back.... Fingers crossed it's the start of something good.

Return to Work

It's coming up to the end of my maternity leave (boo hoooo) and I've been busy busy busy trying to organise my return to work. By trade, I'm a midwife but long-story-short, I've not worked as one for a few years (did a bit of travelling; lived in Canada; fell pregnant etc). So, in 7 weeks time, I'll be back in the land of childbirth. And we all know what this means, don't we? Uh-huh. Vomiting.

Pregnant women vomit. Labouring women vomit. There's no escaping it. I'm sure you're puzzling over why I've chosen midwifery as a career when I'm so terrified of people puking? Well, as I've mentioned before, in my weird little brain there are varying degrees of vomit! Pregnancy vomiting doesn't fill me with the dread that illness vomiting does. Don't get me wrong, I do get a nervous rush of adrenaline when a woman utters the dreaded "I'm gonna throw up" but I try and hide it, pass her a kidney bowl and busy myself updating her notes or taking care of other clinical business until she's done. So far me not being right there, rubbing their back hasn't caused any problems and none of the women I've worked with have been even remotely fazed by the fact that they're throwing up (I must admit I'm envious). I usually make a little deal with the partners of the women I work with that I'll deal with the urine, the poop, the blood, the waters and any other bodily fluids, but they're in charge of puking. Luckily, they all understand and are glad to be given something to be in charge of... even if it is that!

So, in 7 weeks I'll be back outside of my vomit comfort zone. Mildly anxious about having to face my fear but on the whole, very excited that I'll be back in my element!

Wobbly Week

I'm having a wobbly week - you know, one of those weeks where you've got 'The Fear' constantly. I'm not sure what kicked it off but I've just been ultra-worried about my daughter and the dreaded day when she catches a stomach bug. What are my main worries with this? Ha, how long have you got?! Well, my other half and I have an agreement that he will look after her if she gets ill but...

Worry 1) What if it happens during the day while he's at work. It's bound to happen at some point and I'll have to deal with it. I can't stand seeing it or hearing it so trying to comfort an upset, vomiting child is going to give me a heart attack.

Worry 2) What if I'm not able to keep calm and comfort her and not make a big deal out of it. I really, really more than anything don't want her to end up with my phobia and surely that's exactly what will happen if I show even the slightest bit of panic when she gets ill. Which I will. I want to be able to be casual and matter-of-fact about it so she sees it as merely an unpleasant experience that one has to go through every now and again.

Worry 3) The 48 hour wait. It's a given that if you are exposed to a stomach bug, that you'll experience symptoms within 48 hours, if you're unlucky enough to catch it. So if my daughter (or my other half, for that matter) get ill, I'll have an agonising wait, counting down the seconds until I fall ill myself. Not leaving the house in case it strikes while I'm out; not eating anything in case it strikes; analysing every little stomach gurgle or feeling of mild nausea... and probably psychosomaticising symptoms!

Worry 4) Looking after my daughter while I'm ill myself. How on earth do single mums do this? These kind of bugs knock you flat so how on earth do you even leave your bed (or the bathroom!) to look after a child.

To top it all off, I was walking through town with a friend and our little ones and I saw some vomit on the floor, I wheeled the buggy as far away from it as possible but then I noticed a kid next to it, coughing and it dawned on me this kid had just done it. PHOBIA OVERDRIVE! I am now on the 48 hour wait - I have it in my head that possible particles flew through the air and might have landed on me or my daughter and we will get ill. I mean, who thinks like that?! I am MENTAL.

I just want to be able to enjoy my daughter, and enjoy being a mum but this bastard phobia is always in the back of my mind, ruining everything.

Book Review

Right then, Judgement Day... Living With Emetophobia: Coping With Extreme Fear Of Vomiting - this book is really interesting as the author is very open and honest about her fear, detailing all her irrational thoughts and tendencies. BUT, it's pretty much just a big long book about what it's like being an Emetophobe. It's also pretty disheartening that she tells us all about her many trips to different psychologists, none of whom have been able to help her and she states she feels she'll never find a cure. This is the last thing we want to hear 'eh?

It would make a great read for a partner or family member who you feel doesn't understand where you're coming from, but if you're living in hope that it might help you, sadly I don't think it will. The word 'coping' in the title, is probably a little misleading as it doesn't really help you cope, it just gives you strength in the knowledge that you're not alone. I also get the feeling that she slates methods of treatment purely because they haven't worked for her, which is probably a little harsh as what doesn't work for her may well be someone elses miracle.

In short - you won't find anything that can't be found on the emetophobia forums we all like to frequent. Sorry guys.

Next... The Anxiety & Phobia Workbook.

The Book

So far, not great in my opinion. I'll start a more in-depth review tonight (Leigh Ann, I only saw the comment you left me a month ago, I'm so sorry!) so you guys will know whether it'll be something that might help you or not.

What is it?

What is it that us emetophobes fear so much? Emetophobia isn't like other phobias, it's different for each emetophobe. Arachnophobia for example, is a fear of spiders. It's not a fear of spiders of a certain size, or colour or type, it's just a fear of spiders. Emetophobia is a whole 'nother kettle of fish. I can pretty much guarantee that as an emetophobe, you'll have lots of elements to your phobia, with each one being prioritised from absolute worst to least worst. And these will be different for each emet.

To be general about it, it can be broken down into three main categories. Category a) people who are afraid of themselves vomiting. Category b) people who are afraid of other people vomiting. And category c) people who are afraid of both themselves and of other people vomiting. And no matter which category you fall into, you won't be scared of the same element as every other person in that category. By 'element' I mean whatever part of the vomiting process you're scared of.

For example, I'd say I fall into category a). I used to be category c). but over the years, as I've explored my phobia in-depth I've realised that while I really don't like it when others vomit and can't physically bring myself to watch, that's not the crux of my phobia. (disclaimer - if someone has noro and vomits then I am scared. I am more than scared, I am TERRIFIED. Although analysing this further I've realised that this is still category a) as it's merely me being scared of catching noro and vomiting myself). It's complicated isn't it?

So what is your thing? what is is about vomiting that puts the fear up you? Is it the loss of control? A lot of emetophobes are control freaks to a certain extent, and vomiting is a bodily function that we often don't have control over. Is it the fear of doing it in public? I'm a bit scared of this, it would be horrendous but it's not the main fear within my fear. My main fears are the feelings that you get leading up to it - the bubbling, churning, hot stomach; the gas and bile rising in your throat; the cold sweat you break out in. I'm freaking out just typing about it! Also the sight and sound of it. I'm terrified of hearing and seeing myself doing it but how can I avoid it! ARRRGGGGGHHHHHHH, I need to go and lie down!

Chinese Buffets

I went to see my folks and sister yesterday and we were happily chatting away about what we'd all been up to over the weekend, when my sister suddenly announces "Don't go to the Chinese buffet in Morden!". I KNEW what was coming so I braced myself, "Why?" I asked, knowing full-well what was coming and wishing we could just move swiftly on to stories that didn't involve the aftermath of Chinese buffets. But like I've said before, it's like car-crash viewing, I just have to ask! I have to know, even though I'll be obsessing about the details for hours. Anyway, it turns out she'd been out for dinner with colleagues, woken up at 4.30am with agonising stomach cramps and proceeded to spend a good while in the bathroom, shall we say. My blood ran cold as she was telling us. "It was really violent. You know how sometimes you can just throw up, but other times it's just really violent?" MEH! Obviously, I surreptitiously ruled out the dreaded noro "Was anyone else ill?". "Yeah, Damian and Grace, but I haven't checked with anyone else". Cool, not noro then. But still, MEH!

Two points here people, two points. Firstly, she was so blasé about it! To her it was just 'one of those things'. Not a paricularly pleasant experience but far from the end of the world. How is this?!! I listened with a mixture of absolute horror and forlorn jealousy. My life would be so much better if I had the same attitude to throwing up. Secondly, Chinese buffets. Or any kind of buffets for that matter. I mean seriously, why do people eat at these things? Big piles of sloppy, luke-warm food, festering away under heat-lamps for hours and hours on end? Yesterdays left-overs thrown in. Isn't it just asking for trouble, dining at places like these? Rationally, no of course not. Thousands of people enjoy this kind of meal every day with no ill-effects but I'm still frequently hearing stories of people who get sick after eating at these places. There's just no way in hell I'd eat somewhere like that. Is it just me?

The Book Arrives!

My first self-help book has arrived! I was told a few weeks back at my 'assessment' that while I am waiting for therapy, I should take steps to address my phobia, by way of self-help literature. The problem with this is that I am a major cynic and am very suspicious of this kind of thing. I've pretty much convinced myself it won't work before I've even so much as looked at the first page. Yeah, yeah, I know, an attitude like that will get me nowhere!

I suppose the good thing about this book is that it's written by an emet, so I'm guessing she's 'recovered' and is sharing the secret to her success... or making a fast buck. OK, enough of the cynical me, I WILL embrace this book wholeheartedly and give it my all, I WILL undertake any exercises it instructs me to do (within reason). A little bit of me is quite excited but at the same time, I don't want to be a little excited because I know how gutted I'll feel if it doesn't work.

On a lighter note, has anyone elses anxiety level dropped a little now it's not 'noro season' any more? Mine has - it's such welcome respite from constantly obsessing over it! Right, I'm off to start this book. I'll let you know how I'm getting on with it.

1-in-5

Statistics will have you believe that 1-in-5 people are emetophobic. Sorry but I don't believe this for a minute! For a start, I don't know a single other person who feels the way I do about puking, and I know more than 5 people. No really, I do! I mean, you have these people and you'll kind of mention "I've got a vomit phobia" and they'll go "Oooh, me too!". AS IF, you think indignantly, as they proceed to eat a sandwich with the very same unwashed hands they were holding on to a public handrail with, 5 minutes earlier!

And this is what it's all about. Hands. If 1-in-5 people really were emetophobic, the norovirus would be a much rarer illness (wouldn't that be nice?!) because us emetophobics are such hygiene freaks. We're obsessed with it to the point of bleeding hands and our recycle bins over-flowing with endless bottles of sanitizing spray/kitchen bleach/bathroom bleach.

Norovirus is spread by poor hygiene in most cases. Take simple measures to stop this, people, simple measures! Do as an emetophobe does and flush/turn the tap on with the opposite hand to your... err... toilet paper holding hand. Do as an emetophobe does and give those hands more than just a quick little once over - get right in between those fingers! If everyone did this, norovirus would be a thing of the past.

And for those that don't wash their hands properly or even at all, causing us poor emetophobes to panic frenziedly? Well why not employ such tactics as they do in the Middle East to deter theft. Cut their hands off. Think that's harsh? Then you're not an emet!

But nobody likes being sick!

OK, so how many times have you heard that before? I've lost count.

Noone likes being sick. Oh really? You mean it's not just me? I'm not the only person in this whole wide world who hates throwing up? Here was me thinking everyone else found it an enjoyable passtime!

People just don't get it, do they? I don't know about you, but it infuriates me when people say this. It's like they think you're all of a sudden going to have an epiphany and realise "That's right, nobody likes being sick, I think I'm... no wait... I AM cured!".

If ONLY!

Deflated

After finding the information on the internet that God accepts direct referrals, I called my surgery and the receptionist told me to drop a note in and the doctor would take a look and write a referral letter. I took a note up there requesting they do that, along with the printed page from Gods website as proof that I didn't need to go through the community team as first thought. (For those of you who don't know the history here - I'm not asking my doctor to refer me to God God, merely to the top emetophobia doctor in the country who, to me, is God!).

I get a call yesterday from my doctor, explaining she'd got my note. Unfortunately all is not quite as it might seem. For those of you unfamiliar with the NHS, it's all about budgets and funding... or lack of. Doctors in my area can refer directly to God, but only if the surgery they're attached to, allocates it's own budget. Mine does not. My heart sinks. She goes on to say she's on my side and agrees that 'failing' at normal therapy first (for which there's already a year-long waiting list!) is a bit extreme. She will call the Commissioner for Mental Health in my area and see if there's a possibility of them funding a referral or being seen for 'normal' therapy sooner than a year. I feel optimistic and excited again.

Well she called me back today and said it's not going to happen. The Commissioner won't fund my referral. She said she'll appeal on my behalf and asked me to contact my Health Visitor and ask for a letter of support (on the grounds that I get nervous taking my daughter to groups due to bugs etc so my phobia is therefore potentially affecting her) to go with the doctors appeal. She also said not to get my hopes up. It makes me feel like shit that my phobia potentially affects my daughter.

Looks like I'll have to wait a year for 'normal' therapy then. Which is likely to fail, as I've had CBT before and it didn't work. I'm already dreading the prospect of the next season of winter vomiting virus and we're only just out of this one.

Bored of this phobia ruling my life now.

Manchester

People sometimes ask me what my craziest reaction as an emet has been. There are quite a few to be honest, but the one that springs to mind the most is this one.

I was minding my own business one morning, with the daily news on in the background when all of a sudden Mr Newsreader announced that a resort in the Dominican Republic had been hit by a horrendous vomiting virus. It went on to interview people staying at the resort who described scenes of terror (well, to me at least), with people vomiting everywhere and collapsing left, right and centre, the illness spreading like wildfire. Literally everyone at the resort came down with it. I stared at the TV in horror. Instead of shots of beautiful sunny beaches with coconuts softly falling onto the warm, white sand, ready to be broken open and enjoyed by bronzed holiday makers, were rivers of vomit, scores of afflicted bodies in heaps lining the streets and virus particles the size of wagon wheels, brandishing knives (there weren't really, but this is what my brain started conjuring up).

Many people would just turn off the TV the second a report like this comes on but I'm one of those typical 'car crash viewer' kind of chicks who - despite being horrified by the content - has to sneak a peak, none-the-less, much to my chagrin, and quite often extreme regret. So I continued to watch. The report went on to say that all the holiday makers, some of whom were still ill, had flown back in to Manchester airport. WHAAAAAT??? I raged. How DARE they not quarantine them in the Dominican Republic! Why would they ship them back here and introduce the illness to the UK, where it could come steaming its way down the country to my front door! Why would they do that? Why? WHY??

The result - for a good couple of months, I checked all food items I purchased for any 'made in Manchester' evidence and refused to buy anything that had been.

Just call me Mrs Brown

Now I know it's very passé to have a whinge about the NHS, but I'm going to anyway.

There is a Dr who pioneers emetophobia treatment and I recently found out he practices right here in my area! Not meaning to burst anyones 'God lives in Heaven' bubble or anything but God is alive and well and running a vomit phobia clinic right here in London! I literally felt like all my Christmases had come at once and kicked my doctors door down for a referral. My doctor advised me it'd have to go through the local mental health team who'd assess me first. Fair enough, I thought.

I had my assessment yesterday, which I have been looking forward to since it was booked a couple of weeks back. Literally, I've been so excited about the prospect of this miserable phobia perhaps being dealt with, I'm like a teenager who's just discovered emo!

So I get there and sit in the waiting room where I'm asked by the toothless woman next to me if I'm married to Gordon Brown. MEH! I then get called in for my 'assessment'. What a waste of time. I won't bore you with the details, but the upshot was that I'd have to go for 'normal' therapy first, for which there is a year-long waiting list and only if that fails, will I be even so much as considered for referral to God's specialist clinic! I leave feeling very disheartened... hmmm, maybe my husband, Gordon Brown can bump me up the waiting list?

I get home and ferret around on the internet (I love you, internet!) and lo-and-behold, find an article written by God himself stating that if you live in the area I live in, you can be referred directly to him. None of this year-long failed-therapy-first rubbish! So it's back up the doctors for me today, begging for a direct referral. I'll let you know how I get on.

The Apple Core

For those of you who aren't emet, here's a little insight into how the mind of one might work. For those of you who are emet... sound familiar?

On the way to a friends the other day, one of my daughters buggy wheels rolled over an apple core.

Non-Emet: Now the non-emet probably wouldn't even notice and if they did, they wouldn't think anything of it other than "oh, an apple core".

Emet: God, what if the person who ate that apple had a stomach bug and had virus particles in their mouth when they ate that apple. The virus is now on the wheel of my buggy. That'll roll them all onto the hallway carpet. My feet will then tread where the virus has been rolled onto the hallway carpet and the virus will be all over the house. I'll drop something on the floor at some point, pick it up and the virus will be on my fingers and so on and so on, ad nauseum.... Now there's an appropriate phrase!

A Little History

So I guess I should tell you a little bit about me, give you a brief history of The Fear according to Elski. (Please note, I don't * any words out. Words to do with v* are not censored. This is a teeny tiny pigeon step towards normality - I have to embrace this recovery fully and give it my best shot. Oh, and there may be the odd swear word here and there!)

I don't know 'why', as I can't recall anything particularly traumatic about throwing up when I was a child - I didn't choke; it didn't happen in public in front of a big crowd; I wasn't chastised by angry parents; I wasn't hospitalised with a horrific illness - but I can recall every single detail about each episode of vomiting... what I was wearing; the pattern on the bowl I threw up in; what I'd had to eat previously; what was said to me before/during/after. All very bizarre considering that at the time, I merely got on with being ill, I didn't cry, throw hysterics or freak out.

All the same, back in those very early days, an obsession was born. Following an episode of illness at around age 9 (a stomach bug involving 3 episodes of vomiting) I'd ask my folks over and over again, every night "Will I be sick?" "But will I?" "Are you sure?" "Positive?". This went on for years, my poor folks! I suppose the older I got, the more I just internalised it as I knew how ridiculous I sounded and I eventually stopped asking. But I didn't stop worrying. Which is when the OCD manifested itself... Ohhhhh OCD, you tedious bastard! If I didn't laugh at my little odd behaviours, I'd cry. To the naked eye of the average person, I'm normal. Young(ish), popular (even if I do say so myself), (moderately) intelligent. But scratch below the surface and there's a whole world of misery and ridiculousness!

So this, my friends, is how I became an obsessive four-times-touching-lest-I-jinx-myself, finger-crossing, hand-washing emetofreak! But enough already, you'll doubtless become more than familiar with my quirks throughout this blog so no need to bore you with the specifics now.

Anyway - why tackle my phobia now? Especially after years of it becoming deeply ingrained. Well, I had a baby 16 weeks ago and my phobia has gone into complete overdrive! So the time has come to do something about this craziness. I have an assessment with the Mental Health Team on wednesday... wish me luck!!