It's been a few weeks since I posted, so I've got a couple of sessions to update you on (it's been three weeks but S missed a session because she had annual leave).
The session three weeks ago was looking at OCD models of behaviour and beginning Exposure Therapy. The up-shot was that she wanted me to go to a restaurant and order something containing meat or fish, as I always order vegetarian as I consider it safer. I came away from that session feeling a little deflated as she seemed to get stuck at times as I'd challenge her with my knowledge of emetophobia and it felt like she didn't know how to respond. This in turn, lead me to feel like she didn't really understand the mind of an emet at all which is a huge blow after our first couple of sessions were so successful.
So I did as she asked and ordered meat the next time I ate out which was a couple of weeks later. I ordered Bunny Chow (a South African mutton curry - delicious - I'd recommend it!). Mutton! I was very pleased with myself as this seemed extremely adventurous! But I can't really see how 'challenging' myself like this is going to lessen my anxiety of vomiting. You see, I could eat meat in a restaurant 30 times, yet on the 31st I could get sick from it. This is why our phobia is so complicated. For arachnaphobes, they could hold a spider 30 times and by that 30th time, their anxiety is probably minimal as they've realised that spiders aren't that scary. It's just not like that with vomiting.
Anyway, we had the weeks break as she was on leave and then had our next session today. And today REAAAAALLY deflated me. S had supervision with her senior and had spent an hour discussing my case and they had decided that I wasn't actually afraid of vomiting, I was afraid of germs and contamination and OCD was my problem, not emetophobia. This is seriously the biggest load of bullshit I've ever heard in my life. I challenged her on this and again, it seemed to go around in circles not really getting anywhere. So now I know she doesn't get me. OCD isn't my problem. In fact, I've probably dropped all my OCD rituals by about 80% (so I guess I've got something out of therapy, at least). And germs aren't my fear. I could quite happily lick up a whole load of influenza germs and not think anything of it. The only germs I fear are the ones that cause norovirus and salmonella and things like that. So yes, very deflated and a bit down about it.
The challenge she's set me this week is to cook and eat some meat that is the day before its use-by date. You see, I like to buy the food that is the furthest away from its use-by date and am happiest when I can cook and eat stuff that's still 3 or 4 days away from 'going off' as that's the freshest, right? I get funny about stuff that's the day before its use-by date so I must challenge that. As above though, this could be fine 62 times but on the 63 time, it could be 'off'.
Arrrrggggggghh! You know where I'm coming from, right?!
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See I had exactly the same experiences when I had four months worth of sessions with a psychiatrist a few years back. She did not understand the phobia at all. And she made me do things such as eat in restaurants and travel on trains, cars etc... but the thing is Emetophobia is deep rooted somewhere in the subconscious like all phobias, and so gathering the strength to finally do what the therapists ask, which by the way I think you've been really brave and amazing in doing, doesn't attack the source of the problem! Good luck with it all!!
ReplyDeleteSorry to hear you've had similar experiences, Steve, it's a real downer isn't it? I think CBT is good in some ways but for me personally, I'm not so sure it's going to work. It's working on the behaviour associated with my emet but not the actual phobia so I could challenge all the bad behaviour/habits in the world but the anxiety about vomiting is still going to be there.
ReplyDeleteI'm only half way through my course of therapy though so I'll keep plugging away. You never know, I might turn a corner...